Blow-Up Boat

Hey, she's at least as much fun as a trophy wife.

I have long subscribed to the notion that one stumbles across five solid entrepreneurial ideas in the course of a lifetime. As I've failed to act on at least four, I am now prepared to claim my fortune. The other night I dreamed of a yacht design that was so damn exciting, I rolled from my bunk, donned my topsiders and rushed to my drawing board. Just try to resist this pitch.

Everyone envies those who enjoy trophy wives and trophy homes, but who can afford them? As for yachts, ever since Trump's Princess passed 250 feet, only the most well-endowed enthusiasts could keep up. The rest of us have simply had to settle for less.

Friends, that is no longer the case. Technology and hot air have conspired to satiate everyone stymied by fiscal dysfunction. I have created a disposable yacht for those who have exhausted their disposable income.

The Trophy Yacht has arrived.

If you are old enough to remember bell-bottoms and platform shoes, you are probably familiar with the technology engine that drives my creation: biofeedback, a science that lacked an application until some amorous soul imagined the mood ring. This clever device gave more than one post-pubescent, musk oil-drenched teen the green light and was a sensation.

Now, I have merged this proven technology with a sophisticated pneumatic actuator driving a fully lubricated expandable latex septum to create a yacht that answers your fiscal and physical needs. Hot air, you say? Hardly. It's much, much more!

Say, for example, you're planning a trip to Ft. Lauderdale. Nothing could be more humiliating than bellying up to Pier 66 in a bowrider. Not to worry. When the testosterone starts flow'n, the Trophy Yacht starts grow'n. She takes less than a minute to fully inflate and lasts as long as you can. From a 20-foot skiff to a 200-foot trideck, she's a dream-length ratio 10 without Viagra. There will be no doubt that you've arrived, since she is equipped with a slightly over-inflated professional captain and fully functioning air horns that play the theme to Rocky.

You're also in luck if you find dockage fees and yard bills chilling. Tired of funneling funds to your marine industry dependents? The next time your dockmaster comes to you with a hand out, your trideck will shrivel faster than a California prune. Hell, he won't even expect the customary cumshaw.

The Trophy Yacht will look great behind your home, whether she's clogging the Intracoastal or nestling on a trailer in your driveway. She's efficient, has a shallow draft and will accept a dab of rubber cement should you scuffle with a piling. And at last, you will be able to stay in step with the latest trends in styling. The Trophy Yacht is recyclable. Whether you feel like Italian, Italian-American or traditional, one size fits all.

I may have squandered my share of great ideas in the past, but not this time. Until I take my first order, I'm working on a Trophy Sportfisher to replace my 37-foot Bertram, Anhinga.

I just can't figure out how to handle the hooks.